Getting to HER
I
She spilled apple juice all over my favorite sweater. It was expected!! What did I do? What was expected of me! Showed irritation, shouted a lot, screamed my head off till I was promised another Hello Kitty sweater and a couple of consolation Bob Dylan CDs. However all that was a sham! I was laughing my head off inside!!! Why? Because I know I’m getting to her! It’s a new feeling! I did not feel this happy when I had my first crush. Because that remained a crush, it didn’t materialize. But this feeling is sweetened by a serving of victory!!!
I am the younger of the two sisters at 17. She is 3 years older than me. She is the good looking one. I am the one with specs and short plain hair. She has the long curly hair (on which she spends more than an hour about three days a week!).She even has the bigger breasts. (I’m a 32B while she’s a 34C.) I am not unattractive, but she is simply better. It’s not like I’m the nerdy one (like Alex in Modern Family), who doesn’t care about fashion or clothes, and mocks the other person who tries to dress up. But (between you and me), she is again simply better at it! She has all the guys. It’s not that I have never had a boyfriend. I had one. But the guy was a goddamn nerd. I had to dump him. All he could talk about was video games and football. She has the hottest guy in her college as her boyfriend. She has had a similar track record in school, having dated the school band lead singer and the football captain. She most certainly isn’t a virgin. I can only dream and touch. And to top it all, I do not have the better grades even. In short, I’m the despised one. It should be amply clear by now how crappy my life was!! People, especially our parents, didn’t always have to compare us. I did that enough in my head. Yes, I got a whole 2 percent less than her in ICSE. And she isn’t a great student or anything. That wasn’t the end of the list. There was nothing better about me, except my bigger list of failures.
She acts all sweet with me. She helps me with my homework, pretties me up. We have our fights, but she is the one who makes up first. I simply hate her for being all that. Because I know she isn’t all that good. She has the bitchiness inside. The same bitchiness I’m portraying at this very moment. All of us girls are bitches inside. All of us!!! It’s just that she pities me. And she has never lost. So she has never had any reason to feel the way I feel!
II
It was a hot summer season. What with all the global warming and stuff, the temperature was hovering near the 40 degrees Celsius mark. And yes, I had more pimples than her as usual! I was used to this. My face had probably scrunched up in a weird manner whenever I looked at her. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I could see a fire in my eyes. A fire of hatred, animosity, a fire seeking revenge in any form of manner possible!!
It was my final year in school. My studies weren’t progressing too well. I probably spent too much time fantasizing about her,-the things I would do to her, the terrible things I wished upon her- than actually studying. I knew at this rate I would end up getting a lot more than 2 percent less than her in my ISC exams. She had her Part II exams coming up as well. She had been complaining that she had been having some problems with her Maths pass paper, the bitch! So, my parents had asked a cousin of ours to come and help her out. He had just finished off with his Engineering course and had a couple of months of break before he started on his job at Infosys. We hadn’t seen him in a long time. He rarely came home for his holidays, having shifted to Trichy for his engineering studies. We fondly called him Gablu da, because he was all “golu-molu” and all that! He would help her out with her Maths problems.
He came round on Monday to look through her books and acquaint himself with the topics that he would be required to teach. We were all surprised!!! He had slimmed down pretty nicely and had developed quite a few muscles. He claimed his six pack was on the way! I couldn’t help but admire him, even though he was my brother. I turned to look at my sister. She had that same look in her eyes- the “I want him look”. The bitch! I knew she would lay out a plan to get him, even it be for a month. He sported a small nib, and a marvelously deep and rumbling voice. He wasn’t too tall, but had sparkly eyes covered in dark rimmed glasses, and a confident gait! Not exactly the man of one’s dreams, but a boastful catch no wonder. And he was a perfect gentleman! The bitch wanted him. And I wanted him too, more because she wanted him.
He taught her for an hour or so. When he went off, she came into the room, leaping like a child with a lollipop. I could only guess what progress she had made. I was already formulating the insinuations in my head that I could create against her-the incestuous allegations that she could be subjected to. What better could I do?
The same thing continued for a week. She would come leaping into the room with a suppressed squeal of joy, as if to tell me-“there’s something going on between us, but you don’t need to know any more.” I never asked, more because I didn’t want to hurt myself more than she already did. She wanted me to, maybe that’s the reason I didn’t ask. He would come every alternate day, give me a sweet smile of his, my parents would enquire of his health and he would go into the study room and teach her for the next hour or so. After which she would come leaping into the room and he would leave flashing that sweet smile again. That is all that I got- a couple of sweet smiles while she was engaged in adulterous eroticism- if not in actuality but surely in her perverted mind. I decided I wanted a piece of that cake too-if not for myself, at the very least to take it away from her. I decided to approach him with a few Maths problems of my own! Hah! I suggested this to my mother, though not in front of her. I wanted it to be a surprise for her. I knew my mother wouldn’t object and even he didn’t have any reason to object too. I happily prodded along that night with my Maths books to the study room much to her chagrin! But I didn’t care! I was really happy. I was destroying her peace! *devilish laugh* To add to such sadistic pleasures was the added pleasure of staring at his moonlike smiling face. Ah, the joy! He was real sweet with me. And he was pretty good at the subject too. He wasn’t here to check out his chances with his cousins. He could teach well. I tried my best o “learn”. He was very patient. He asked me to practice the sums he marked out and promised to help me out again if I didn’t grasp the concept.
That night after he left there wasn’t any spring in her step any more. It wasn’t as if I had won him over. But she wasn’t the only one getting all the attention! I didn’t join them every day with my problems. However there was a marked difference between the days I did and the days I didn’t. There was a marked loss of gravity below her feet the days I couldn’t disturb her. The other days she practically sulked ( or so I loved to believe!) She must be putting the moves on him. Was he responding? I didn’t care. As long as I had my moments, I was happy.
This continued for a couple of weeks. Then things took a turn for the better! For me at least! He started acting extra nice with me! He started talking about other things- his college experiences, girls etc. And the best thing was- he looked at me more while talking, not her! Seriously, I’m not joking. This seemed to get to her. I overheard her fighting with her boyfriend. Why not take it a step further? I started flirting back with him. It’s not as if she didn’t use to do it before. She does it with any potential fan. The slight bending over while laughing, the slight touch on the thigh, the sexy movement of the eyes. I had learnt it all from her! Now was the time to use it to good stead. I conveniently took up my seat close to him. And employed my known methods on him. He seemed to warm up to me. The feeling was amazing. ME beating HER!!! No wonder she was livid that night! And then he proposed!!!
III
Obviously I said “YES”!!! What better opportunity to drive her crazy? I know she wants him too. She doesn’t care about her boyfriend anymore than she cares for Maths right now! All she wants is him. I know that! Her actions speak for her, even though her words do not! The spilt juice and many more small trivial changes, accumulating into one big beaten up mind. Yes, beaten by ME! Finally, I had something she wanted. How does it feel, sweet sister, to be on the other side of the bridge? I know how she feels. I have been there all my life. The place is called “Neid”. It is one desolate place, where there are loads of other people like you who have gone through the same exact thing you are feeling. But you are still alone, and you want to be alone. It is better to be alone. And all you can do is sit and shout, not with your mouth but with your thoughts. You wish something would change it all, but nothing ever comes. What you have seems totally insufficient to make you realize that you have more than a lot of people. You simply don’t care, why should you care? You do not have what you want. It is no different from a child denied a teddy bear. But he can cry and vent his feelings. All you can do is take more of the never ending crap being thrust into your face. And I know this too- she is in that place and much worse. Because she has never been to Neid before. I have stayed there all my life. I know how it feels, how it smells. She is all new to it. It must be unbearable for her. She must be scratching at the doors to get out of there. But she cannot. Because I control the key. It would mean that I go back to that godforsaken place. And I do not want that. I shall never let go of the key that he is…Or do I have the key at all???
Is it all a farce? Why would he choose me over her? Am I just a stone to reach her? Or does he have other ulterior motives? Too much thought. Why should I even care about the “Why?” Let me just enjoy the moment. It is here. And if my fears are confounded then the moment might not last too long. Why shouldn’t I enjoy it to the fullest? -that is the question!
She tried to wriggle her way in using her utmost seductive powers. At times I really felt threatened. But I kept my peace. If I had learnt anything from her, it was to act like the winner you are at the moment. And it paid off. I kept my place. Surprisingly. Yes, very very surprisingly! She was a worn down figure now. She was a worn down figure now. The fire of Neid had burnt off the gloss in her cheeks, the fullness of her body. Me, on the other hand, enjoyed the realization of dreams. I let him do things to me which only I had done to myself till now.
Was it love? I don’t know and probably I didn’t even want to know! The only thing that mattered was that I was enjoying myself, feeding away at the morbid delectation infinitely present around me. This is what Yayati and Puru must have felt. The change was complete! I looked at the mirror now. The eyes were most different. They were more relaxed, calm, contented.
IV
It has been quite some time since then. We are still together. We are much closer as a couple. It has worked out quite well in spite of my apprehensions. Settled in his arms on an October afternoon on a plate of rare greenery we had reared together, under the pleasant blue sky, I did finally ask him “Why did you choose me over her?” His eyes revealed that he had expected this question for a long time, probably surprised that it had not come sooner. He said “Because she had broken my favorite toy when I was a kid.” His eyes changed for a moment. They spewed out the same fire, the same hatred which I used to feel for her. The next moment they changed again. They showed the same contentedness, the same glee, the same calmness of Schadenfreude. I fell in love with him that very moment.
